Wednesday, March 4, 2015

IWSG-THE HORROR


It's that time again to release one's frustrations, fears and insecurities to the world with the Insecure Writer's Support Group. Created by the wonderful Alex J Cavanaugh, this post is held on the first Wednesday of each month to talk about ones' fears regarding writing, publishing and general mahem related to this world of writing. I, of course, have not written any book (yet) but I still love to participate in this adventure and continue to learn from all the authors out there in blog land.

Since I missed writing a little about myself last month, I am now giving a few pointers about myself now. I was born in the ancient city of Anusclaptra. I was the Queen of the cult goddess tittibeaverassum...oops sorry I was finding my inner Shirley MacLaine. Actually I grew up in the country. My parents ran a sawmill business and, to this day, I love the smell of sawdust. I endured school all the way through University and was able to get my psychology degree. Yup Psych as in psycho...not me but some of the profs were on a different plane of existence. I worked at the sawmill business and later found my job as a Credit Counsellor in 1991 and I am still at the same job! This does mean I actually enjoy it:) I suck at math but I am great in budgeting if I do say so myself and as long as I have a calculator I can do my job and do it very well. I also enjoy people...I really do. Most people have had a very difficult time just entering our place never mind discussing their finances. I have seen people who have abused credit but, mostly, they have suffered life events which  made it most difficult for them to pay their basic bills and eat.  Losing a job (I hate the word restructure), becoming sick, marital breakdown and suffering a business failure are the top 4. I have seen many addictions, lack of education and being taken advantage of. I have seen all walks of people from professors and teachers to people on disability or welfare. Financial hardship knows no boundaries, ethnicity, gender or age.

Now, every once in a while I run across a certain individual where they bring out the worst in me.....I can't stand them. There was one woman (woman??) who was a true horror and no amount of drink would have made her look attractive. Now I am not one to look (well not really true but that is human) at just the physical. I have met people who have been too fat or too thin or have been robbed in the looks dept but they have the beauty of an angel and the outside looks don't matter. This ogre had neither.

People can be set up on a program to pay their debts at a lower payment and often the interest is suspended so, many times,  people are placed on our program and then they come in monthly to make their payments. This was also years ago when we took cash (we don't want to now due to robbery etc...). Picture a short, very fat female ogre who makes her home at the local Wal-Mart. Said Ogre always wore a skirt that was see through just so one can see the fire being made by her billowing thighs that rubbed together. The top was almost always white and said ogre never wore a bra. Her hanging weeds of babble were so droopy they touched her waist and they were very lopsided. I am certain no bra was ever made to support those glands from Mordor. Her face would have been perfect for making Halloween cookies-just press that face in dough and Voila! Her yellow teeth were going in several different directions and when her mouth closed one tooth from the bottom protruded out onto her upper lip. Any warthog would have been proud. Her hair shone in the sun because of all the grease buildup that you wouldn't need butter or Pan when cooking because she had enough grease in her hair that she could wring it out.

You think I am done...nope because the Wal-Mart ogre avoided the aisle called "toiletries". Never mind shampoo but I am certain she had no idea what soap or deodorant was. The smell permeated my nostrils that all the little hairs in my nose curled up and died. I would lean towards a window and gasp for some air before continuing to ask her about her expenses. Once, she came in and made a payment in cash, and yes the money was soggy (I am not kidding!), I was doing my best impression of being dead since I was trying not to breathe, when a fellow co-worker was coming down the stairs whistling happily when she suddenly stopped. I saw her nostrils move in that way of  "what's that smell" and suddenly she started to dry heave and run to the back of our office.  I am not exaggerating one bit!

Now Wal-mart Ogre fit all the physical attributes of a swamp thing but did her personality? I would not be writing this if she had a sweet disposition. She was the nastiest thing this side of the Piggly Wiggly. She would argue every time I asked her a question ("what do you spend on groceries?"   "Why do you need to know THAT?"). She would look her nose down at me if I did not answer her fast enough and took her good nature cue from the Wicked Witch of the West. She was "The Horror" . Thankfully she did pay her debts and as she scratched her arm and left bits of dry skin on our counter, she left, never returning. I hope she found her green swamp of Wal-Mart and never bothered anybody again with the odour that still lingers in my nose. To tell you the truth I would rather deal with the guy who gave me $400 all in $20's from his crotch than deal with her.  So ends another writing gig from little moi.

55 comments:

  1. One of the things I love about my job is working with people. Most are fun but every so often I run across an ogre too.

    What you do takes a special kind of person and you're it! I've been in (and am still climbing out of) that world of debt. Life happens and sometimes we have to live by credit cards to make it month to month. But, it doesn't make me bitter. It makes me appreciate the better times that follow.

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    1. Debt can be so stressful and no one has a clue unless one is in it. There will be better times for sure, never doubt!

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  2. Oh my goodness! You should have a HazMat suit in your office. By all accounts sound like you found your niche! LOL. All sorts from all walk.... never a dull moment, eh? Now I just need to erase this image of the swamp thing from my head. Urgh!
    hugs, Asha

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    1. I think I have despite some of the nutties and smellies

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  3. Hahahaha! Oh goodness, I can just see this woman. I'll bet you're glad when she paid her debt and moved on.

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    1. Oh I was so glad and hopefully she enjoys the swamp and i never have to meet her again

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  4. Birgit, I love reading your stuff. You need to make a card that goes with this post. I'm sure no one has tapped that genre - the overextended, fully in denial, Walmart ogre.

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    1. Yes but I could only give that card to someone I dislike. :)

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  5. You have an interesting job for someone who does not like math (I am not a fan of math either). It certainly introduces you to so me interesting people! This woman sounds very difficult to deal with . So glad she paid her debt and you didn't have to deal with her anymore. She could be a character in a story!
    ~Jess

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    1. That is what's funny because I love budgeting! I love to plan and figure out what to save. I could care less about integers and fractions but give me someone's finances and i love to see where one can cut down to make room for savings etc...

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  6. I could totally picture this woman while reading and it was frightening!! As well as funny LOL. Easy for me to laugh when I wasn't the one having to deal with her. Glad she moved on and I hope you never encounter her again.

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    1. Yes she was a fright and i did literally move to the window to gasp for air

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  7. Bah, I think I would run and hide under the bed with the cats if I caught a glimpse of that ogre lol bet you meet all kinds indeed. Ugg to debt, been there, done that thanks to life's crap.

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    1. Life's crap can bring on debt but glad you no longer are there. The cats would have left the building!

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  8. Oh my with the guy with the money from his crotch! What an interesting bunch of characters you have seen over your years working with credit counseling. This "lady" you wrote about takes the cake, I do believe! Perhaps you could make a book of your experiences! Honestly, it is refreshing to see that people do want to pay their debts off; let's hope they learn from the experience and don't have to come back in down the road!

    betty

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    1. Yes when that man leaned his torso into the front desk, placed his hand...down there and then handed me $400 all in $20's I thought I was going to hurl but at least he didn't smell. he was just a perv and they bore me

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  9. BIRGIT ~
    Other than the physical description, I'd swear you were writing about my Brother's wife. Also, the horrible odor doesn't actually emanate from her body, but rather from her cooking. Sometimes I walk into the house and the stench coming from the kitchen literally makes me hold my breath and nearly dry heave just a couple feet from the front door.

    She's Chinese, and I don't mean to denigrate all Chinese people but... have you heard the Chinese language spoken? She could say "I love you dearly" to her son in Chinese and it sounds like someone screaming in German "I am going to kill you with a chain-saw!"

    I'm moving out-of-state next week, and now you know one of the reasons why.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. hahahaaaaaa-certain cooking odors will go right into the walls and the only way to get them out is to tear the walls down. I thought German was a harsh language to hear but it sounds downright romantic compared to what you have stated

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  10. Oh...my. I deal with people every day...and I hate when I run across one of these!

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    1. Ahhh I feel for you-you understand. Vicks in the nose helps

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  11. Oh...you paint quite the picture, BIrgit! I once worked at a telephone company service center and thought my experiences topped all. But I'm still wrapping my head around all you've done. Fun learning more about you. Saw mill girl, psych major, credit counselor. Who would have guessed?

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    1. I know! I love the arts-LOL. I also know how a sawmill from years ago works. You had to deal with all sorts of colourful language I am sure

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  12. Gah! That sounds patently miserable. I deal with more crazies than nasties, so I'll take it.

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    1. We have had crazies here to (Had a man who placed tinfoil in his hat to make sure the aliens could not read his thoughts

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  13. I have no words. I'm feeling pretty glad I don't work at your office or where scary Ogre makes her home in the janitor's closet of the Wal-mart.

    Your reply to my post was excellent. Yes, creative people will continue to find outlets for their creativity no matter how much time it takes away from other things- because really, we LOVE it.

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    1. Yes we have a range of smellies, nasties and crazies but many who are sweet, lovely and genuine and that makes up for it. Thanks for the reply to my reply

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  14. That was priceless!! I laughed all the way through it. Sorry, I guess I was laughing at your misery. But it was funny. You know how to write a humorous story.
    And hopefully the swamp swallowed her whole, sagging boobs and all.

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    1. One must laugh because it is something to behold..or in her case run from

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  15. Yikes. Ick. Most people have some redeeming qualities. Hers must have been buried deep.

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    1. I wouldn't have want to try to dig them out that's for sure:)

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  16. I am so glad I can't smell your description! Wowza!!!! And then you go and top off your description of the ogre with a a very strong image of the guy taking money out of his pants!

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    1. Oh yes the man with the money down his groin-I washed my hands in javex. There was another man who had a sweaty condition due to medication he was on. He always wore those muscle t-shirts and he took out $800 all in 20's out of his t-shirt. The money was around his stomach and they were literally wet from sweat

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  17. What a terrific ending. I bet you were tempted to wear latex gloves! "Press that face in dough and voila!" really cracked me up. Thanks Birgit.

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    1. Gloves for sure and plenty of hand sanitizer. :)

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  18. Haha! Another hilarious story, Birgit! You ARE a great storyteller. I could practically smell the woman through your descriptions. And that is what makes a good writer! :)

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  19. Holy carp! I had no idea that being a credit counsellor should require hazardous duty pay. This sounds like an absolutely horrible experience.

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    1. Oh she was and we see all kinds of people

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  20. Boy, oh boy, could you create one heck of a villain if you ever put your mind to it.
    That experience sounded pretty scary. You're a great writer.

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    1. OK That is so nice:) I think she makes a great villain and maybe someone from Faceoff could create her

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  21. Birgit, your descriptions are freakin priceless. I laughed and laughed and winced and dry heaved a little bit there towards the end (it's the Horror's fault ;) ) I love reading your stories - I'll do it any time! Oh, and Anusclaptra, huh? Sounds kinda dirty...

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    1. Thanks and glad you enjoyed reading this. Yes I was being a bit dirty:)

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  22. Girlfriend, you clearly have a book (or several books) worth of entertaining stories. I suppose $20s from the crotch are better than anything from someone that makes you vomit at first smell.

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    1. Yes , well both are disgusting but at least he didn't reek and was ok to talk to in a creepy get lost you dope, sort of way. Walmart ogre was just horrible

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  23. You certainly have a great gift with descriptions :)

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    1. I try to please:) One has to get the full effect of said Ogre

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  24. Yikes. I can only imagine. When I worked in state govt. in my 20s, I rode the express bus downtown every day. It was mostly filled with state employees and bank employees, since our employers paid for us to ride the express bus and it went straight downtown on the interstate. But there was one couple who rode...he never washed his hair. It was SO greasy. You just dreaded him sitting in front of you, it was so gross. Someone told me he was an engineer, so he made good $$$. (Well, for a state employee, anyway.)

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    1. I can imagine that he made good money and still have uber greasy hair. I have had these people in my office as well (well not the ones who rode that bus). I have had people who make $6,000 take home per month but have never heard of bathing

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  25. Very entertaining! Nice to learn a little about you!

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    1. Thank you...Yes miss the sawmill

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  26. OMG. Great description. So cool that you you've been there so long. I work with customers (we build swimming pools) too, and I come across all kinds.

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    1. I think anyone who works with the public have met all sorts of strange beings that are technically called humans:)

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  27. I was laughing all the way through! When you got to the scene where you were playing dead, and your co-worker had to run out of the room from the stench, I nearly rolled out of bed! Keep these hilarious stories coming, Birgit!

    Julie

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    1. Glad I made you laugh and I will never forget the co-workers face when she suddenly got hit by the exorcist's odor

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  28. Somehow from this wonderfully hilarious description of a horrible woman came through the reasons you enjoy your job and are probably very good at it. In addition this description is very close to a description of a woman who spends hours on our public computers almost every day. She also frequently swears loudly (but not quite loud enough to be asked to leave) and hits the keys so hard it's audible from quite a few feet away.

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