Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Insecure Writer's Support Group-Stripper Wedding


This is the time, the first Wednesday of each month where all writers..or me let all their fears, insecurities, joviality all hang out and join in at the IWSG. This was created by Ninja Alex J Cavanaugh, and I believe, it has helped writers immensely.

I love to partake in this event and, even when I thought,,why? I am not a writer or spiller of wisdom for writers, Alex just said you are welcome and write what you like. Isn't that just nifty? I love that and so here I am about to talk about a certain wedding I went to a couple of decades ago...the stripper wedding.

Now we have all been to weddings where they all meld into one big ball of waxy build-up from the flowers to the "never going to wear that bridesmaid dress again"  to the meringue white concoction called a wedding dress that is usually hideous (you know I am right). We have sat through the speeches of half drunken bestmen to the fathers who ramble on about god knows what while we all toast several times after eating a meal of either beef, chicken or fish (unless it is a buffet..which is still about the same meal). We also have danced the chicken dance and the Macarena and Twist and shout and Rock and roll and a polka or 2. Very few weddings stand out but the stripper wedding did, in so many ways, take top honours for the tackiest wedding I have ever been to and I loved every minute of it.

It was our neighbour's son who was getting married. My brother and the neighbour's son, we shall call John, were buddies all the way from little kids until they found true love (my brother is divorced) -John found the love of his life. How? One might ask, well in a most Sound of Music romantic way....he was a pimp for her and 3 other gals that he would showcase to the strip joints around the peninsula. Is that love...or is that love?

Naturally, they had a child first (as my dad used to say, first baby comes any time, the 2nd takes 9 months) who was about 9 months old or something like that, the child was not too important in this story so let's leave the kid out of it (poor kid), when they married. It was a good old fashioned Polish wedding where the drinks were 3 parts vodka to 1/2 part orange juice. The church (yup, Church), was decked out in wonderful plastic flowers, the music started (nope not the stripper song but could have been) and the bridesmaids, in bight red sequined outfits, sauntered into the church swinging their hips and having that pucker mouth that fish do so well. I mentioned to my sis-in-law (2nd wife of Bro) that I felt they forgot what aisle they were walking down. Finally we see the bride, all in white, nope not ivory or pink or baby blue, white as the driven snow (and why not!) walking down the aisle with all the puffiness that any marshmellow would be proud. The service was long and in Polish so I dozed off a bit there..one can add in interlude music here if you wish.

Once this was done, we all went outside and there I thought I saw Casey Kasem's wife (you know Loretta from Cheers). She was wearing a tight pencil skirt with a gold sparkly tight top with huge Napoleon military, shoulder thingys with beads hanging off. Her platinum long hair done up with a white scrunchy on the side of her head (I am certain she could pick up South Korea with that hair) and the Come F$# me heels that were sinking into the grass. We left that splendid site and went to the hall.

By this time my sis-in-law and I were trying to figure out which gal was a stripper and which one wasn't. My ex said "Oh wow, here come 2 strippers now". We turn our heads so fast we almost get whiplash and we see 2 elderly Polish ladies not a day over 140 walk in, arm in arm, looking for their seats.

The dinner(who knows-chicken or beef) was non descript and the vodka was getting to my head or the Baby Duck that was being served for wine(I didn't mind that actually). In between the lull, my ex and I went to look at the cake. There it was, in all its glory-3 tiers surrounded by "gold" pillars and the fine wires that drop oil beads down it as if it was rain. Did I mention it lit up inside as well? Yup it lit up and the bride and groom at the top were circa 1974. I mean the plastic groom had a frilly shirt in light blue. My ex just looked at it and said "Oh my, Beam me up Scotty".

We took our seats and finally the music was coming. I thought, this can't be messed up....but I was wrong because instead of a DJ they had a Polish Elvis. You think I can make this up? I can't! He tried to sing, really, he tried but my ears were ready to implode especially when he started to sing a Beatles song that just missed every musical note one can think of.  After an hour or so of said Polish Elvis, the Bride and Groom were going to throw the bouquet and the garter. The bouquet went up and I saw the women grab for these plastic flowers as if it was some sale at Macy's. The garter? I shake my head because  there went John under his bride's dress to retrieve this garter and he stayed...and stayed...and stayed....and stayed. I think most older people left by this point hoping to burn their eyes out with a poker. I just watched, with vodka soaked eyes, as she smiled  and sighed. My ex and I placed a bet how long this would take. Finally the vomit inducing  affair ended and the garter was thrown which no man picked up.

My mom, witness to this all, had a face of disgust on her  that did not leave for a week while my ex and I just laughed and we knew this wedding would be one for the ages.

Did it last? Quicker than you can say Get thee to a room and wash your mouth out with soap, they separated. Where she went...who knows but hopefully she found the golden pole of happiness. John continued down his merry path to prison and is around ....somewhere. This child is now around 20 or something and hopefully doing really well.



52 comments:

  1. WOW - some people really really over-think weddings, don't they? I prefer a weeding to be a simple celebration of love without all the ornateness :)

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    1. Same here! You better believe people over-think, over do and overspend on weddings

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  2. Oh my!! That would have been something to see. I think I would have had a hard time keeping my mouth closed because my jaw would have dropped from all the sights there :) My husband would play in a band at wedding receptions. The joke of the band was would the marriage last as long as it took to pay for the wedding .I'm thinking in this case no, unless plastic flowers weren't that expensive.

    betty

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    1. Oh this was an experience and I have placed more than one bet on weddings I have attended

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  3. Wow. What a mess. Most weddings are fairly boring compared to this, though! At least it was interesting.

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    1. I have been to plenty of boring weddings but this was not one of them

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  4. OMG I thought Polish Elvis was going to be the craziest thing and then I got to the garter removal. Good Lord. Definitely a wedding to remember. Love your stories!

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    1. Oh the surprises kept coming from the strippers all decked out to the plastic flowers to the beam me up scotty cake-a night to remember

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  5. Hahaha - the garter part was the best bit! That sounds like a wild wedding to be a part of! I'm glad you made it out alive.

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    1. Oh it was hilarious especially with all the older Polish ladies around

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  6. Tacky but hilarious! No surprise no one wanted that garter.

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    1. Yeah I think that garter stayed on the floor for a while

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  7. hahahahahahah. This would make a perfect climax scene in a wedding movie. hahahaha. In my pretend movie I will have the older Polish ladies start a strip dance.

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  8. I read that with my eyes on stalks and my jaw hitting the ground!

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    1. Yes....my mom was doing the same thing but she was actually at the wedding

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  9. Hahahahaha!!! Oh my gosh! That is the funniest thing I've ever read, especially the part about the groom retrieving the garter. Have mercy!

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    1. Oh yes it was a wedding to remember

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  10. THAT was pretty funny, in that sad sorta way.

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    1. I like the funny aspects because one can't make that up

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  11. haha well at least the wedding was quite the umm show. But damn, I wouldn't touch that garter either, nasty

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    1. Yup-wouldn't want to know what was on that garter-ick

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  12. Oh my god, Birgit, this is the best wedding story I've ever heard!!! I loved it!!! Start to finish, top to bottom (oh dear, who's the bottom? ;) ) It NEEDS to be in a movie. I mean, seriously.

    Also, yes, I usually think wedding dresses are hideous. Why would anyone want to dress up like a cake???

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    1. Yes this wedding was a stunner but not in the usual way. I haven't told you of the other wedding where my ex and i were first invited just to the reception and then in a half hour my hubby became Master of ceremonies

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  13. OMG. Too funny. Life can be stranger than fiction.

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  14. This was the funniest wedding I never attended. And thank God for that! A Polish Elvis who sang the Beatles, a garter that went to places we can only imagine before it was thrust out into the audience - who wouldn't touch it with a 200 ft Pole (directly from Poland)...You are one of the funniest bloggers I know, Brigit. Love your stories!

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    1. Well, Thank you! You should have seen how Polish Elvis thought he was the next best thing to cream cheese.

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  15. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. There are tears in my eyes from laughing. Just when you think it can't be any worse. Geez, Louise. And your poor Mom...dang, I'm laughing again.

    That is the funniest story I've heard all week. Good job, Brigit!! I invite you to be my snark co-pilot.

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    1. Thank you:) It was a wedding to behold and for years, if we brought it up my mom would shake her head in disapproval and then we all laughed about that wedding cake

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  16. Great story. Sounds like it was worth attending, even if the bride and groom weren't actual keepers.

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    1. Oh it was funny and they were supporting characters to the event

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  17. Funny, Birgit! :) :) That was a wedding made for the movies (I'm thinking an old Burt Reynolds movie). Sad for the baby though. Hope (she?he?) grew up okay. And we wonder why some kids are so messed up....

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    1. I know and I figure this kid has to be around 20. Let's hope he/she is ok but knowing the parents....

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  18. This was hilarious, Birgit! The set-up was great, and I could just imagine you walking by the Loretta look-a-like from Cheers! Of course, the climax with the garter was the best part, though I do feel badly for your mom!

    Julie

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    1. Oh it was funny and seeing my mom's face was priceless so maybe bad of me to say but I'm not sorry she saw it:)

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  19. Wow...you can't make that stuff up. I loved the way your mom's face got stuck on "disgust" for a week! Ha! You're very funny - thanks for the laughs!

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    1. Nope this wedding was a keeper..in memories that is

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  20. This was really funny! I needed a good laugh. ;)

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  21. This was insanely funny. This sounds like one of those weddings that would have been worth it to attend just for the experience alone. Or for Polish Elvis alone. Pass me some more vodka, would you? I can almost taste the orange juice in this...

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    1. Oh it was worth attending this wedding of weddings. The vodka drinks did help

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  22. Amazingly funny story. The strangest thing I ever saw at a wedding is the very drunk younger brother of the bide, who also was a groomsman, seriously hitting on and groping the very much older, and also very drunk, mother of the groom.

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  23. Amazingly funny story. The strangest thing I ever saw at a wedding is the very drunk younger brother of the bide, who also was a groomsman, seriously hitting on and groping the very much older, and also very drunk, mother of the groom.

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